The CD

The mixtape is a dying art form. It’s a sad fact, but it’s true. But Tim, you may say, why is the mixtape important?? Why can’t I just make a huge playlist of songs for the lady (or gentleman) and just use that? Why is music even important? Why am I so lonely?

The mixtape, or I guess a better term would be mix CD, is a pivotal part to any date, not just the first one. It sets the mood, it shows that you made an effort, and it can say things you may be too afraid to… Also you’re lonely because you didn't make a mix CD. 

At least I have my guitar and a window...

The proper soundtrack can make or break a date. Don’t believe me? Look at this:

http://film-v-music.com/?page_id=48

Felt weird didn't it?

Now I'm guilty of a serious sin... I haven't really made a mix CD for a first date in a long time. Some dates just didn't feel right, and others I've just been apathetic about it. Mostly I just really really like the idea of the mix CD, and I'm also extremely corny and goofy. Your date might just look at you and laugh, or think that you are a fifteen year old... and that's ok. If you think making a mix CD is a good idea, go for it. If you think that a mix CD isn't for you or for your date, then don't. Just make sure you enjoy anything you do. Dating is supposed to be fun. 
Also I feel like I should reiterate that I am a terrible person to listen to, and I always try to eat cookies before they're cool and I burn my mouth. 

Before I begin, I must make the distinction between a mix CD you give to someone and one that you use as the soundtrack of your date. Though they can be similar, you can't use the same one for both. In that case you need to make 2 different CDs or you run the risk of getting called out. The date hasn't even started yet and you're already in the doghouse. So don't do it. For this post I'm going to focus on the general CD, and you can apply the ideas as you see fit for both types of CD. Also, even though this is apart of my first date guide, this is more of a set of guidelines for making a mix CD for someone you care about romantically. Some of the songs suggested may have more intense lyrics than what you want for a first date, and you don't want to scare them off. I'm going to try to keep things simple, but with dating things rarely are.

First and foremost, you cannot have more than 19 songs on the CD. I don't care if the CD holds 20 or 21, 19 is the limit. Actually I prefer 18, but sometimes 19 works... Just no more. The 20th song tends to ruin the flow of the CD and you usually end up putting some throw away song there... Remember, it's quality not quantity.

So what do you put on the magical CD, this musical key to the heart of your date? I'm gonna break it down into sections for you. I may suggest certain songs for certain places, but feel free to improvise. This is your CD and I'm not the one trying to woo your date, unless they are very interesting or are Eliza Dushku.

I forgive you for doing Wrong Turn

Tracks 1 & 2: The "Hey, let's get to know each other while these songs play in the background" tracks.
This is how we start. You don't want to go too big too fast. Something soft, maybe mostly instrumental. Ease yourselves into the CD, things will heat up soon enough.

Tracks 3, 7, & 11  The "Songs that bring an air of familiarity to the date and you can sing along with if you choose, or just hum." Everyone needs a break from talking now and again, and this is your chance. These songs can vary from the bubblegum pop to the soulful Kings of Leon track that everyone knows.

Tracks 4, 9, 12 These are for you. This is your chance to shine. Put something here that you really enjoy, something you really feel like shows your taste in music. This is usually where people will say "Oh, I had no idea you liked So-and-So, that's so interesting. Also our similar tastes in music have made you sooo much more attractive." Or you could totally scare off that special someone if you break out the death metal. Tread carefully...

Track 5 Here we are, the first chance you get to set the mood. Put something that here, something that says "Hey, I'm a dragon of liking you. I hope you are also a dragon, or at least someone who is attracted to dragons." This is the first step, the swing and hopefully not a miss.

Tracks 6, 8, 10 This is for them. Put songs here you think your date will like, or already likes. See how close you are to what you think she likes. Roll the dice, make some magic happen. Remember you've already established your a dragon.

Track 13 This is the most pivotal thing I will ever post ever in the history of everdom. Track 13 must be "For You I Will" by Teddy Geiger. There is no other choice, you must put this song here! Don't think you can do anything else, this song is scientifically proven to be magic. Yes, science proved magic exists, and it is in putting this song as Track 13.
I hate this song. I hate this song so much. I have no problem with Teddy Geiger as a person, but I hate this song with a passion I usually use for when Waffle House runs out of waffles. That intense... And I still have to put this song here. If you've never heard this song don't listen, just download it and put it on your CD and hope for the best. If it doesn't work for you, you must have angered a dark wizard at some point in your life, or maybe the universe simply hates you. In that case, you probably should watch out for that asteroid.

Tracks 14-18 (Or 19) Here we go, how do we close out this CD? It's time to be smooth. Put your most romantic songs here. This isn't the place for the Safety Dance. Sorry Men Without Hats...

This really doesn't need a caption

And that's it. Boom goes the dynamite, you've done it. Pat yourself on the back, and then realize that you have done nothing but provide a soundtrack. You are currently just the Danny Elfman of this date, and you need to also be the Tim Burton and the Johnny Depp. You've got a lot of ground to cover. 

Next time in the Gentleman's Guide: The Gentleman's Guide to What to Actually Do on the First Date.

The Gentleman's Guide to Life

So let me start by saying that I'm a terrible person to listen to… I once tried making a grilled cheese in the toaster, I went through a phase where I thought Hawaiian shirts were cool, and I’ve leapt off my room with an umbrella thinking I would float to the ground. In fact, I did the umbrella thing three separate times because I thought my umbrella wasn't big enough the time before. Needless to say, I’m not the kind of guy you want to take advice from.

Maybe if I added a cape....

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, once upon a time I decided to write down my views on a variety of subjects, from dancing to walking down stairs. Mostly I wrote for laughs, but certain people seemed to enjoy them and so I wrote more. In the course of writing these “guides” I learned a lot about myself, and about how I actually felt about certain things. I really came to enjoy writing, and it really helped me clear my thoughts. Sadly this was all on my old laptop, and when it suddenly died I lost almost everything on it.

Recently I started writing again, and I realized how much I missed it. Short stories, ideas, letters, even this blog… And now I've decided to re-write  The Gentleman’s Guide to Life. It's one of my favorite things I ever wrote, and now I hope I can recapture that magic again. If not, I'll at least have fun doing it. The guide will be broken into many parts, and I'll still post things besides just the guide. So don't worry, I'll still post about dinosaurs and Batman.

I’m going to start with something everyone needs to know: The Gentleman’s Guide to First Dates  which actually may be a misleading title. It’s for anyone, not just men. And while the overall arc is about the first date, the ideas discussed can be applied to many things.

Just like Calvin and Hobbes

OK, time to get to work on actually writing this thing. My posting schedule may be erratic, but we’ll survive. Part one will be on how to make the perfect CD.